Knock, Knock. Who's there?
... LONELINESS!
No dinner party is complete without some drunken banter and dialecticism at the end of the night. If you’ve ever been to one of mine, you know how much I love to get on the ol’ soapbox and debate important issues like politics, why Terminator 2 is the greatest film of our time, or who makes the best tacos in the world (it’s a place called El Califa in Mexico City).
Today’s newsletter is an online version of that. It provides an opportunity to discuss something that I would normally bring up at a dinner party and it also acts as a break between dinner party themes. It’s like the Up For Discussion convo starters, but taken a bit further, and I’m the only one answering the questions. (You can expect a newsletter like this between all of my dinner party themes - consider it a palate cleanser.)
You may be wondering why I chose loneliness as the first topic. And boy am I glad you asked. I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve been lonely my whole life. Like, right out the gate (and by gate, I mean vagina). If I’m honest, which I almost always am, I think every human is lonely as hell. We all deal with it differently, so it’s harder to see in some, but it’s there. It’s palpable.
Maybe that’s what life is all about - figuring out how not to be lonely. Or maybe it’s realizing that it’s okay to be lonely. That’s one of the reasons I started Ruined Table - as a way to combat loneliness, or at least understand it. And although I’m not entirely sure whether we are supposed to lean into loneliness or banish it completely, (or maybe we have to lean into it in order to banish it?) it is a problem. In 2018 the US Surgeon General proclaimed that we are in a loneliness epidemic. The same year, Teresa May appointed the UK’s first Minister of Loneliness. Since then, a different epidemic stole the show, but loneliness remains, and COVID-19 sure as hell didn’t help. According to my research, (Oooh yeah, I did research!) loneliness has increased by 181% since the pandemic. ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY ONE PERCENT!
Not only is this a mental health issue, but a physical one as well. Numerous studies have correlated loneliness with increased risks of depression, anxiety, suicide, dementia and chronic health conditions such as heart disease, hypertension, inflammation, and diabetes. And one study went so far as to say the impact of loneliness on mortality is similar to that of smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
By far, the most prevalent cause of loneliness is feeling disconnected. We aren’t idiots, we all know the internet doesn’t really count as connection. And we are certainly aware of how devastating social media can be to our bodies, brains and souls. You can’t comment on a friend’s instagram story or send them a funny meme and expect it to alleviate the pain of separateness. If anything, it often makes it worse. But the answer isn’t as simple as meeting that friend for a catch-up over coffee, either. It’s important to connect in a meaningful way. If all you do is talk about the weather, it doesn’t help. Studies show (helloooo research!) that even if surrounded by friends, when people don’t feel comfortable talking about their feelings, or issues that are important to them, they still feel lonely. They also need to feel like they are actually heard.
“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.” - Carl Jung
So, how do we beat this? It’s simple! Let’s all throw our phones into the ocean and meet at the top of the Empire State Building on Valentines day.
Jk, that is not a reasonable solution. There’s NO WAY we’d all fit on top of the Empire State Building. I do think part of the answer is trying to be more real with each other. I’m honestly not sure how to go about doing this, because it turns out, not everyone wants to be real. Being real actually REPELS some folks. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way many times - I learned it twice last month, in fact. But, I’m not sure it’s healthy to be real ALL the time, either. Sometimes you gotta unplug and act a fool without worrying about anyone’s feelings, including your own.
Heather Havrilesky says it best in her post below. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve read it, and I hope you’ll read it too. It always makes me feel better when I’m on the brink. I love it so much.
The thing is, loneliness isn’t just a feeling of disconnection from others, it’s also a feeling of disconnection from oneself. I think what it all boils down to is that we have to leave space for everyone to fuck up - most importantly ourselves - and then we have to leave space to talk about those fuck ups with each other. And then, when talking about said fuck ups inevitably opens up a shame-vortex-gateway to hell, we have to be willing to nosedive into it. To let the fucked-upness wash us over and set us free. I’m convinced this is how life works - it’s just a bunch of shame vortices popping up all over the place to test whether we’ll be brave enough to walk through them or if we’ll find a way to avoid them and stay small. The great news is, if you do choose to go down the rabbit hole, even though there will always be another one to go down, it does get easier. As each trip spits you out in a new dimension, you’ll connect with yourself, and others, through a new type of vibrant, sturdy, fiber. Things won’t necessarily make any more sense, but you just won’t care as much if they do, and you’ll be weaving one hell of a tapestry in the process. (It’s called GROWING, people!)
Weaving your way through a series of vortices is easier said than done, I know. So, while you’re working up the courage to swan dive into the void, consider pouring yourself a stiff drink, and planning a dinner party with some good friends. Maybe try to talk about something a little risky at that party, too. I bet it’ll help beat the loneliness, or at least slam you up against the event horizon of a vortex. It’s up to you whether or not to take the leap.
Thanks for being here. I’ll see you in two weeks with a new dinner party theme and host. If you have an idea for a theme, leave a comment here or on IG. If I use your theme, you get a prize! I have no idea what the prize will be yet, but that’s a bridge we’ll cross together.
I loved every word of this. Even though I've lived alone and away from my family and friends since 2012, I mostly haven't felt lonely during that stretch. I couldn't really define why, though beyond "alone, but not lonely." However, your quote below is the best articulation of why I haven't felt lonely:
"The thing is, loneliness isn’t just a feeling of disconnection from others, it’s also a feeling of disconnection from oneself."
I wish I thought of that sentence first! Me being an introvert definitely plays a role in why I don't feel that disconnection from myself too often. But you also talk about making meaningful connections, and being able to talk to my family and closest friends, whether once a week virtually or 3 times a year in person, helps me so much in staying tethered to myself.
I did feel that loneliness and disconnect from myself, though, during the first month after a tough break-up recently. In that same paragraph I quoted you from, you talked about diving into those shame vortices. Your advice about diving into those vortices also applies to managing oneself after a break-up, at least in my experience. I'll never have full closure with my ex, but going down that rabbit hole -- allowing the waves to sadness to come in like a tide and then recede, visiting our old spots on my own to validate the good times we shared instead of avoiding them, etc. -- has brought me a lot of closure with myself, and that's been a massive boost for me as I continue to do the work toward fully moving on.
Anyway, I've written too much when these posts are your soapbox. Thanks for the late-night thought-provoking read!
Very nice words :)